I couldn’t say this semester was the hardest–in hindsight, I’ve gone through worse. Harder subjects, much more demanding professors, and really exhausting challenges were all factors that made previous semesters technically more difficult.
Still, none of them compared to the fail of this one.
I can’t remember any other semester where I exaggeratedly questioned the need to get high grades. Or the need to fulfill one’s requirements in favor of finishing a long due article for a client.
I don’t remember any other semester where I felt more burned out, which I though I know all too well. Apparently not.
Or a semester where I was just too tired to fight for survival, much less for myself.
When my professor told the class off for underperforming, not living up to the expectations and all the big things that basically directed to the fact that we were a disappointment, I all at once knew that I was part of that possibly big picture. I knew long before then that I was whittled down to the pathetic pits of mediocrity.
I just lost that integral ingredient called passion along the way. And I never went back to pick it up. How did I lose it? I can point to a plethora of instances–all of which unnerving and debilitating in one way or another–but pointing them out will neither solve nor alleviate the damage.
Losing that ingredient meant losing a lot of other smaller things: losing the will to blog regularly as promised, to finish what’s been started, to not be late (or to sleep too much!!), to train, to dutifully work for clients, to care about what I used to care about, etc. There’s just too much to do.
So when the same professor told us that losing in the battle is okay, so long as we’re doing what makes us happy, I had to take a step back and marvel at the devastation of it all. By then, it was not a pretty sight, but a sight I was nevertheless trying to rebuild. The rebuilding, it was all too apparent, came in late.
In the end, I lost one huge battle (and no, it’s not this battle) I’d been struggling in for far too many months–in favor of something much more beautiful, less self-serving, and ultimately inspiring.
The underlying point, and perhaps the only piece of matter that directly concerns you, is my gratitude. This is an entry for anyone who read or came across my blog posts, which, in more ways than one, were an offshoot of who I am. Thank you for those who deliberately searched for my blog, who searched for the keywords that fit in my entries, and went here for whatever purpose you have. The end of grading the blogs is over, but I intend to have this blog for keeps.
After all–and I know this all too well from the many battles I lost this semester–losing is gaining.